--FREE FROM GUILT / BE YOURSELF ~

----Raggedy Ann and Me ~~

~~~ONE DAY, when I was six and my sister was eight, my mother brought home a beautiful handmade Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy. Mother had us whisper in her ear which one we wanted. Of course, I wanted the little girl with the red heart that said, "I love you." Yet, when it was my turn, knowing my sister wanted Raggedy Ann, I murmured, "Raggedy Andy." For years, I pretended to myself and others that I loved Raggedy Andy.

I had plenty of reasons for choosing Raggedy Andy. Aware it would be too hard on Mother if my sister and I chose the same doll, I took care of Mother. Also, I feared my sister's anger and envy if I won. I didn't feel brave enough to have something for myself at her expense! For all these reasons, it just wasn't safe. The way I resolved my dilemma was to accommodate and not want at all.

It's significant that I couldn't let myself choose the doll I wanted, but even more crucial was my inability to let myself know for more than a moment that I wanted her. I not only fooled them, I fooled myself!

Later, in the course of therapy as a young woman, I told my husband the story of how I didn't choose Raggedy Ann. I was astonished to find myself weeping, releasing tears that had been locked up for twenty years. I wept for the loss of Raggedy Ann, and even more for the loss of the little girl who had to give up herself to keep peace in her family Not being able to be who I was and want what I wanted was a source of great suffering for me.

On my next birthday, my husband watched as I opened his gift. The box was sealed with children's wrapping paper. I tore the paper off the box and lifted the lid. There she was peeking out of the tissue--my very own Raggedy Ann. -

I now have a small collection of Raggedy Ann dolls. She has become a symbol to me of my reclaimed self. My newest Raggedy is three feet tall and graces a small rocker in my bedroom. She happily reminds me that it's OK to know what I want, and it's OK to give to myself. It's now safe to be me.~~

---"Stories For the Woman's Soul" // KA~