Hi. This sounds like OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I've had this since I had fillings as a child (was chronic OCD by age of 12).

I know how you feel to be ashamed of it, and it's only in the past year or so I've felt able to tell people I've suffered from OCD - now that I can put a reason to it, mercury toxicity. But for the best part of 20 years I kept it to myself and hid it from my family because I was riddled with shame and guilt that I couldn't control it, and was afraid they would drug me or send me to a mental insttution - that was my biggest fear as a child, that I would go to a mental hospital if told anyone and so I never did. But it's a brain wiring problem, and latest theories are it's a lack of serotonin issue - some say magnesium deficency.

It's called Obsessive Compulsiive Disorder because it's just as you describe - having recurring thoughts that are "obessive" and are "compulsive" in that they are involuntary.

I know exactly what you mean when you talk about thoughts coming into your head involuntarily and then being scared by the thoughts. I get that all the time. I've had a lot of improvement in OCD since my mercury levels dropped when I reached adulthood (which I think was a combination of reasons - no braces, no more fillings, adult body able to cope better with the mercury release than that of a child) but this is one symptom I have trouble shaking. It's terriible and sometimes it makes me want to scream.

I've also had situations where I think I've ran over a cat in the car, even though I know I haven't, and had to drive around the block again just to make sure there is no cat on the road - and then maybe again just to reassure myself.

I know what you are going through, it's awful. But don't feel ashamed, it's not your fault. I'm sure that it will ease as your body is less toxic. People have had recovery from this with mercury detox.

To me it's like if a person is drunk all the time - we're intoxicated by mercury 24/7 - but remove the toxin and eventually the effect will negate.

As an iintellgent university graduate, having ths conditon has been extremely frustrating, but it's totally involuntary and we have to remember that the brain is an organ like everything else and if it isn't functioning properly, it will mess up behaviour and bodily functions, just like alcohol does. It's not your fault, you're the victim, not the perpetrator. Your thoughts are being scrambled due to the influence of the toxin. You may imagine all kinds of terrible things, because your fears will get so twisted that you think you have done them i.e. set the house on fire, or that you will set someone's place on fire - and that can then twist in your toxic brain to a fear that you're going to deliberately put a place on fire, even though you never would, and then feel that you are a secret arsonist because you had that thought, and then feel guilty about that.

It's a terrible condition. OCD is absolute hell, there's no other word for it. I even wondered sometimes in my life if I had died and gone to hell. It's a hell on Earth. But I do believe it can get better, and I know I got improvement in direct relation to my dental history.