"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
-----------
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin'?"
The driver said, "Well that depends - You buyin'?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today,
it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.
---------------
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends
wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner
read the card, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he
was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but than rather
getting angry you should imagine this.Somewhere there is a funeral
taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
"Congratulations on your new location!"
-----------------
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-"I'm proud of myself. I finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, and the box said 2-4 years!"
A mother and 5 year old son sitting on the front porch. Mother asks little boy, "Do you think I'm a bad mom Jimmy?"
Boy replies, "My name is Jack."
"I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery...3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them, "I understand...I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."
-Never seen anyone run so fast. ~
--Sign in front of Auto Repair Shop~
'A CAR'S WEAKEST PART IS THE NUT HOLDING THE STEERING WHEEL ~~
A shoe-salesman who had dragged out half his stock to a woman customer: 'Mind if I rest a few minutes, lady? Your feet are killing me.' ~~ ------------ -Woman: 'I would like a pair of alligator shoes. -Salesman: 'Yes, ma'am. What size is your alligator?' ---------- --"You're the laziest man I ever saw," a construction owner said to an employee. "Don't you do anything quickly?" "Yes, I get tired fast." ~ ----------- -Have any big men ever been born in this town? "No, just little babies." ------------ -A man was waiting at an intersection for a circus to pass by. He saw a sign on one of the wagons that read: "Barney's Circus with 40 Elephants." He counted the elephants as they crossed the intersection. When he got to 40, he put his car in gear and started to cross the intersection because he was late for an appointment. Unfortunately, he had miscounted and his car hit and killed the last elephant.
A week later he got a notice from the circus that he'd have to pay $8,000. He called the circus manager and inquired, "What's the deal? I only hit one lousy elephant! Why do you want $8,000. The manager responded, "It's true, you only hit one elephant but you pulled the tails out of the 39 others! Pay up!"
---------- So a man walks into a Fifth Avenue bank and says, "Pardon me, I'd like to talk with the fella that arranges loans." The bank teller replies, "I'm sorry but the loan arranger is out to lunch." "In that case, I'd like to talk to Tonto!" ~~ ----- First cowboy: 'Why are you wearing only one spur?" Second cowboy: 'Well, I figure when one side of the horse starts running, the other side will too."-- ------- THAT'S ALL FOLKS! ENJOY LIFE! SPREAD THE FUNNIES! --
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
-A THREE-YEAR-OLD girl listened intently to the children's sermon. The minister explained that God wants everyone to get along, and love each other.
"God wants us all to be one," he said.
To which little Cathy said, "But I don't want to be one, I want to be four!"
~~~~~ ~~Competition~
-THE five-year-old ringbearer was obviously worried as he looked down the long aisle of the church where his aunt was to be married the following day. His grandmother had an idea. "I think I'll give a prize to the person who does the best job tomorrow," she told him.
The ringbearer's chin went up. There were fourteen others in the wedding party, not counting the Minister. "I still think I can do it," he whispered.
The next day, the church filled, and the organ sounded triumphantly. When it was time, the little boy walked to the front with his head held high.
At the reception, when his grandmother told him he had won the prize, he was both excited and relieved.
"I was pretty sure I had it," he admitted, "until Aunt Dana came in wearing that white dress and the horn was blowing. Then I started thinking--she might win!" ~~~~~~
~~Contentment~
~AFTER listening to Chuck Swindoll on the radio, eight-year old Debbie asked six-year-old David, "Do you know about Jesus?"
Expecting a new slant on the old story. David replied, "No."
Sister continued, "Sit still because this is really scary." After explaining the gospel as only an eight-year-old could, she popped the question.
"Now, David, when you die, do you want to go to heaven to be with Jesus, God, your Mommy and Daddy, and big sister, or do you want to go to the lake of fire to be with the devil and the bank robbers?"
David thought a moment, then replied, "I want to stay right here." ~~~~~~~ ~~Missions/ Music~
THE song leader asked the congregation to turn in their hymnals and sing, "Till the Whole World Knows." My daughter whispered, "I think we're going to be here a long time."
~Honesty/ Integrity~
A man who was trying to be more diligent about witnessing saw an opportunity when he was standing in the "10 Items or Less" checkout at the grocery store.
"All have sinned," he began, sincerely looking at the clerk scanning his items.
"Including you, Mac," she replied, without looking up. " I count fourteen items here." ~~
~~HAVE A GREAT DAY!~~ " "A joyful heart is good like medicine." [Proverbs 17:22]
Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." [John 14:6]
After explaining the gospel as only an eight-year-old could, she popped the question.