I got severe poisoning by the age of 12, so I only have "vague" memories of life before mercury toxicity, but I know that I was not the same person at 8 as I was by 11. I was confident, self-assured, and wanted to be an actress. I loved to sing and dance and had no problem talking in front of anyone. I was always on the nervous side, but I was very adventurous and just generally loved life.

But since getting fillings at about 9 my life has been ruled by multiple phobias. The anxiety crept up and up until it was totally out of control. I don't think it's unfair to say that amalgam ruined my later childhood because it did. Those years were hell and I think for a child to go through it because of dentists is horrendous. I always feel some kind of shame in talking about what I went through with the OCD, because of a sense of not controlling my mind, but the ones who should feel the shame are the ones responsible for such a terrible poison being put in the mouth and arm of a child.

I don't think many people realise how bad the suffering can be. A child of 10 or 11 should be able to go to bed and feel safe there, but I couldn't get into bed without rituals and then I'd have to have certain blankets, and then sometimes I'd spend an hour or two counting the flowers on the wall and crying because I'd lost count, thinking something bad was going to happen, so I'd have to start again or do a "compensatory" ritual that would cancel out the previous failure. Even when I was watching tv I didn't have control of my own mind as I'd have to do mental rituals. My clothes had to be folded a certain way with certain things not allowed to touch each other, my shoes had to be kept in a certian place, every object in my room had to be in a certain place, going around the house had certain rituals, and my school work had to be done in a certain way, I couldn't look at the stars, I couldn't walk on cracks in the pavement, the day had to be divived into sections and certain things couldn't be done at certain hours, or days or weeks. I had no interest in how I looked or taking care of myself and had no real friends because I wasn't able to make them or keep them if I did because I had all this going on in my head and got a hard time from other kids for being differnet. I was suicidal by 14 because it was so bad, but luckily I started to get better and I went to a new school where I managed to make some friends, but I was still suffering and never had a boyfriend or the usual things that teenagers do because of my problems.

Aswell as the mental there was the physical and I couldn't enjoy much contact games because of hypersensitive skin - if someone put their hands around my waist it felt like a burn, where as the others didn't seem to have that problem. At 13 I was terrified I had breast cancer, and just general things that children shouldn't worry about. They were awful years.

My OCD is 80% better now, but I still have a lot of anxiety from gas appliances to pictures falling off the wall. If I can get more improvement, that would be wonderful. I never thought I had any hope of recovering from this condition.