Swain Sneezes , Creates Universe...
By Ray Orrock
People are allways asking me:
" Say , Ray, where did the universe come from anyway ?"
And lately I don't know what to tell them.
Thats because scientists seem to be comeing out with a new
origin of - the- universe theory every week.
For a long time , I relied on the big bang theory,
which holds that everything began with an enormous explosion
and that the universe at it's birth was hotter than an Arabian
car seat.
But recently some physicists have advanced the theory that the
universe was not created in intense heat , but in extreme cold-
specifically , a superdense sea of cold quarks.
That had not occured to me...
One Reason it hadn't occured to me is that I have no idea what a cold
quark is.
Or a hot quark , for that matter.
There weren't any quarks when I went to school
( with the possible exception of a kid named Leon in the seventh grade. )
The smallest things we knew about was molecules ,
which were so small you could hurt your eyes trying to see one.
Just as we'd gotten use to the idea , the physicists came along
and said :
" You think molecules are small ?
Atoms are even smaller !
So are protons and electrons ! "
And a short time later they came running by again,
shouting, " Hold it ! Hold it !
We just found a subatomic particule !"
Now they're down to quarks ,
and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if next Tuesday
they came out with something called a whang or a gurkle.
Maybe the universe did start out cold and then expirence
what they term " a sudden glitch upward in temperature. "
I could understand that.
I've occasionally expirenced a glitch upward in temperture myself--
usually while watching a Sophia Loren movie --
but I wish they would just settle on one theory and stick with it .
Some years ago, in fact,
I came up with my own explanation for the origin of the universe.
I call it the Giant Swain theory..
I think that once there was this huge swan,
floating serenely on an enormous pool of black water.
One day , about 20 bazillion years ago,
the giant swain puts it's bill into the pool to get a drink of water, and - just as it was about to swallow--
sneezed..
Millions of tiny droplets shot up into the heavens,
and when they hit the extreme cold of outer space,
they froze---
to create the stars and the planets and the galaxies that still
twinkle in the night skies.
( Music up and out. )
Isn't that a nice story ?
And I'm happy to tell you that the swain is still floating
around out there in some cosmic pool ,
with cosmic weeping willows and a cosmic moon overhead.
The important point is that the Giant Swain theory is just as good..
In my opinion ,
as the Big Bang theory or whatever else they come out with next week.
Maybe better.
It doesn't have any quarks or glitches,
or any blasts of extreme heat.
It doesn't have any loud noises, either,
which tend to frighten people like me...

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Thats interesting Ray...
Never heard of that one before...
Did it evolve?.