Jinx, I have nothing to say that will help, I know, but just wanted to say hang in there.

I have had your very same questions about Christianity, and I left. I now have a different relationship with Christianity/Jesus than I did before. I have a more metaphysical take on it now. As far as answering the suffering questions, I find I like the Buddhist take on things.... All life is suffering. In biblical text it would be, "Rain falls on the just and the unjust." The other thing I like about Buddhism, is that you can believe in god or not, no matter.

I also think that mercury and brain injury of other causality impedes faith that we may want to have. This realization too, is impacting how I will view faith once I get my brain to where I can have it. Faith then becomes more something I will be able to be grateful for as a tool and a practical thing, not something essential for a relationship with god. Faith in what? I don't know. We'll see. I feel your feeling of desire for faith. I have the same desire too. I think that if I just had something I could believe in, then dealing with this would be easier. And that may be true. My problem is I haven't found where to place that faith. I've been told the same thing too .... "turn your life over to Jesus....., surrender to him......, open your heart to Jesus....., personal saviour...." and so on. Truth is, I can't have faith in something that doesn't ring true with me. So while I may want to have faith in someone/something, I can't just place that faith in Jesus in that manner if I don't believe that. If it works for someone else, well bully for 'em. I think spirituality is a tool, and that god really doesn't care how we view him. I'm more of the mindset that god just is -- everything and nothing -- paradox.

I hope you get some relief soon, Jinx! I really feel for you and your situation right now.

Shonda