Jinx,
You still have hope.
I know you want to be well and can continue all the great work on improving your health,(even one small step at a time)
you will get to where you want to be.
Sometimes I feel despair and hopelessness,confusion,
paranoia all those feelings but it always passes.

Sometimes I feel each of us have been given an illness for a reason,maybe to learn something,or many things,maybe to teach someone else...
sorry if being philisophical about it is annoying right now...

I hope you are feeling better.