Do not give up Jinx. You are strong, or you would not have made it this far. Faith or no faith in God, you must have faith in yourself. We all want to give up at one time or another.

Many years ago I was stricken with gallstones. They may have been a product of an amalgam filling or two, I believe in my heart they were. I developed a severly diseased gallbladder, and over 9 months time, no doctor could figure out what was wrong with me. That was the most suffering I ever encountered (they said every attack I had was the equivilent of a heart attack, and I had thousands in 9 mo), and I prayed to God every single day, and he did not answer me, but only left me to suffer. Only right before it got bad enough to kill me, did they find what it was. By then, the vomiting had caused the acids from my stomach to ruin many of my teeth. That in turn, prompted me to go get my mouth re-done in AMALGAM, so I could in-turn suffer even more. I put my faith in God, and he left me to suffer. I still pray, I just don't believe quite the same way that I used to. Sort of like changing religions. Just like many other things in my life, I've found if you want it done, you must do it yourself. Summon up all the courage and faith that you have to survive. You CAN do this, Jinx.

I don't want to have a religious debate, and I don't think any of us should. We just have to "agree to disagree", because we all believe a different way. You must follow your heart, Jinx. Do not do anything that you do not feel comfortable with, as I don't think that will help you.

Your conditions sound like me, when I was at my worst. I was also having severe hallucinations in which I was hearing my own voice telling me to do things, that were against my better judgment. It felt like evil in my head, and I often wonder sometimes if people who commit murders do not experience this same thing, and cannot fight it. The only thing that helped me shake it, was antidepressants. As bad as they are, they saved my life. They made those hallucinations, and some of the physical pain go away. I was on them for many years, and could not wean off until last November, but I need to be off of them now. I needed them then, tho, and I was about your age, Jinx. I know it sounds bad to consider a drug, but at the time it worked. Sometimes one just needs a boost. Have you tried St. John's wort? Something needs to be used to help get your mental state under control, so you can help yourself. There was no one there for me. I did it all alone. You have us, Jinx, so you are not in it alone.