yes I can try. what do I have to lose?? i don't want to be a hypocryte. i have been so far away from god due to mercury and my suffering, and yes deep inside i blame him, even if i do get better a bit, i dont know if it will be anough to heal all the damage in my heart. and i might not be with god at all or at leata not as close as he or other people would expect.

i just dont want to be ahypocrite. i se ethere are plenty of people who are very religious but there's plenty of hatred and venom in them. i dont want to be like that.

i guess i can't stomach compromises when extreme suffering is present. call me idealistic and naive. if justice is a compromise, it is not justice.