hello my friends

i am completely loosing the battle. my brain has regressed to a point where i'm a 10yo boy in a 25yo man body. i am compeltely shut off from the world, losing memory and have no intellect. i'm more and more showing signs of paraonia anc cant find myself in the real wolrd. i dont know whom to trust, i cant judge people anymore, my opinions are compeltely irrational and biased, wan to blame everyone, dont know why. dont' get tv, what u guys are discussing here anymore. every day is worse everyday. just more of the brain shutting down and getting ore comatose. i ahve no hope, no strength to carry on anymore. though i want to.it's all like a destert.

i believe theyre calling it schziphrenia.

and my (especially left) brain feels irreversably damaged.


it's like a no-win situation. someone even suggested to returnig to faith again, and conversion, confession and sacrament as last resort and rescue. someone suggested to me i may be under the influence of demons (not possessed though) who are responsible for my ongoing bad luck, and after the conversion i would be immune to them. but i'm not suere i want to believe those things, so many contradictions in the christian aith, like why do i have to turn to religion where i really dont want to ba a religious person. the way those (good) people who suggested me turning to faith say, either you converse or you wont get healed, it's like an ultimatum. (sure they say: u have free will. yeah). it's like it's not enough to be a good person who WANTS TO DO good things in life. it's like it's bad to wan to have a normal life. like it's a sin.

or how can i even believe when i am brain dead? why do i have to confess when most of my sins in my life where an indirect consequence of mercury toxicity and other things on my brain? why do i have to cnfess, repent etc when i have suffered already so much? it's like god doesn't want good people, he wants hostages, he wants servants.

so it's a no-win situation. it's all a paradox and counterproductive. if i turn to faith now i will feel like a hypocryte. the only way i imagine myself tuning myself to faith is after i have been healed and gotten my lfie back. after god has shown me HIS MERCY for the first time in his life

yet i am expected now to be repentfull and aksk like a begger for help, when i have aleayd been humiliated enough.


DEFTEATED, DESTROYED, PARADOX,

hope u guys are doing good.