i'm really depressed and hopeless about this illness. last night i had a hard time sleeping. i think since i have had this my whole life, i have in a way accepted this is my life. i know there is hope but its like my body is in such a depleted state that i know it's gonna be really hard to dig out of it.

i realize what i have in front of me is a marathon. the marathon of all marathons. eating right at every meal, no indulgences, supps are easy to take, and other detox procedures. it just seems hopeless in my mind to be for the most part perfect for potentially years to overcome this. what makes it really difficult is that my brain doesn't work and my body is so freaking tired and feeble it can barely do anything.

the thought of preparing a meal, cooking it, and then cleaning up the mess is so rediculously stressful which scares the hell out of me because i have to do that otherwise i'll be like this forever. my brain gets overwhelmed just thinking about it.

i think i have to get this warrior mentality kinda as corny as that sounds. like i am fighting for my life everyday. somehow i have to change my attitude because i am suffering and i've gotta find the energy and mind frame to do this. what sucks is that it seems if you give in and cheat on food it'll just take your immune system right back down to bottom again and you have to start over. like all the effort you put in doesn't matter because if you slip up you're screwed. so it's like you have to be perfect and i just don't know if i can do that. is this how it is for some of you or no?

i don't know if anyone will respond to this but i wanted to write my thoughts. i hope everyone is getting better because this illness isn't really fair. i know there is lots of injustice in the world and i try to count my blessings, but to be mentally ill and chronically fatigued from day one of birth isn't a life i wanna live.

shawn