Hi Shawn, a big YES to your post in agreement. Wow! Emotional sensitivity? In fact, Andrew Cutler mentions men having this in a very big way with these toxins. I'll have to look that back up, but men tend to go this way, wheras women do too, but can become aggressive.

I am passive/aggressive. I swing between both. And so ridiculously defensive, that at times it borders on insane paranoia and I'm halfway aware of it, but feel unable to stop it. Overreaction to criticism or "perceived" insults, when they may have been quite innocent.

Relationships? I can't even tell you what a total and utter disaster this is. Either there is nobody at all, or if there is, I completely destroy it. And is it any wonder? I'm aware of what I'm like and I'd leave me too, but I know it's not the real me. So though I hate being alone, I cannot imagine it any other way unless I got well and became myself again. I'm also afraid of the opposite sex in respect that I don't have confidence in myself, dont' trust the illness, and scared they'll find out what I'm REALLY like with all my toxic behaviours, so I withdraw or I'm just too nervous anyway.
I can be indifferent, boring, withdrawn, hyped up and stupid, jealous, perceiving problems or creating them for no apparent reason, hateful, insecure, morbidly depressed, suicidal, insanely fearful, unresponsive or the opposite (I won't go into details) the list goes on. So I know I can't do this, not only to myself but to somebody else.

Mostly I've been alone. Been hard enough for members of my family, who probably only stuck around because of the family bond. But they know me well, know parts of the real me, and I know I don't have to really engage in conversation either or make efforts. So it saves me more agony I guess.

Zero self esteem yes! This I do believe is toxic, because it's amazing how much self esteem you would probably have if you were truly well. Though the background does not help if it's been damaging to that emotionally, but believe me, the strength that comes from health is incredible. My self esteem is pathetic. NO matter how much love and assurance my famiy gives me, it doesn't really penetrate. I just feel like "nothing". and that is that.

I think you would be very surprised at how you would be otherwise! You wouldn't know yourself. There were many things I seriously considered were just the way I was, but found out they were not. Even down to being kind of embarrassed about stuff, or fearful to go into a mall, I thought it was just "me". But wow, had a time when I must have had a real lift in health and these things were almost completely GONE. Your self esteem just rockets and you can't actually help it.

I think it's good to express this on here, because the forum is the most open I've been on and people will relate to this so much. It helps to hear it believe me. It's painful for you to have this, but in sharing it, it helps others.