You're welcome Linda <img src="/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm just very sorry that there is no clear answers, other than hoping this is "it". I was actually thinking about your husband and wondering how things were on the home front, knowing what this illness (or similar) can do in that area.

What this illness has done to my life, let alone my personal relationships is pretty catastrophic and I just had to constantly remind myself that this is NOT me, NOT my fault and I could not afford to put that on myself as well, other than simply concentrate on keeping myself going from one day to the next. Whether people stuck with me, or left? I could not take that on as well. I hope/pray that your husband will hang in there with you, but if that proves not the case, please never go on the self blame cycle. This toxicity or ones similar to it are pretty notorius for this (even candida). Basically they are a terrible strain to not just us, but those living alongside it.

Just as you said, you cannot force yourself to be well and this simply has nothing to do with you as a person, as I cannot help what I have either. My father only stuck around because....well he's Dad I suppose.

I found that in some ways I had to be quite selfish and think well if you don't want to stay around me? or stick by me? If this is too mentally difficult or emotionally awful for you? Im sorry, but so be it, I too would like to leave and walk away from this, but I'm stuck with this in my body and I have to focus on trying to get well.

So just keep on doing whatever you feel might help improve your health and take care of you as much as you can. No guilt! I know it's hard, I would feel guilty constanty but I knew "intellectually" that it was not my fault and I almost had to be my own best friend.

Like you, my symptoms fluctuated daily and during the day as well. My father once said "I go out and leave you in this state and come home to this state everyday, I feel like I'm living in a psycho ward and at times I feel I cannot take much more". So, yeah it is a nasty illness in more ways than one.