I just can't believe how fast I'm going downhill. I feel half dead today, lost in a fog, tired, wanting to cry all the time. Started another chelation round last night. Not having had 3 days' rest, it looks like it's going to be hard on my cortisol. I ordered some melatonin today, will take about a week to come. Ordered some vitamin D too, just in case. I've got a few D caps left in the cupboard, popped several of those this morning.

I wish I hadn't sold all my light therapy kit. I don't care if it gives me the cortisol rush from hell, it would be better than helplessly getting sick in the dark.

I don't know what I'm going to do. The darkest months are still ahead. Usually I hit rock bottom in March. Despite everything I've said and been through, I feel desperate enough at times to consider taking something like Prozac -- anything that will help me hold my life together. I don't want to do that, I know what the last AD did to me.

I have always hoped that when my daughter went back to school and I got a job, the depression would lift. It just isn't happening right now, probably because I'm only on my course 2 days a week, and at the moment that is rather stressful as I am planning to teach for the first time in 5 years.

I'm trying very hard to keep a lid on the panic but it's starting to bubble out.