Thanks Bex.
You sound a lot like me. And I know what you mean about it helping to hear others feel the same, and be awful at the same time. I try to warn people about amalgams, but they don't listen, and it's so terrible because they could end up the same.
I too spend most of my time alone at home. I go shopping, go to the library, and wherever else I need to go, but I'm not good in social situations. I like to meet a couple of friends for lunch and even manage vacations and days out, but I always need the "control" factor. In that way, I often prefer to go places by myself as I don't have anyone else to think about. Having had OCD since I had amalgams (never had it before) I promised myself that I wouldn't let it stop me doing things that I really wanted too.
It's been difficult, but I've always forced myself on with things. Some things I just have to admit defeat, but I am a very determined person. I got through school and university, although it wasn't easy. I just shut myself up in the library and didn't do much else at all. I liked it there because it was quiet and I could get on with my studies, which were a refuge in so many ways. I am a literature and book nut, lol, so you really have to be the kind of person who can be alone for that. Also I found it escapism to read and study. I rarely took up invitations to go places, and mostly kept to myself. I never had much friends, more like just people I knew well enough to sit with in lectures etc.
At school I avoided lessons if I had to read or speak in front of someone (terribly shy) but at university I made myself do the seminars every week, but other than that I never said a word in the classes. The tutors always said it was a shame I was so introverted because I was apparently very bright. I was going to drop out of school because I was told I had to do a presentation, but the teacher said I didn't have to do it if it was distressing me so much. I hated P.E. classes, and always gave a note saying I was too sick to do it. I just couldn't cope with the things. I was afraid of getting hit with the ball or hockey stick or whatever.
I know that I could have been taken to a special school for OCD sufferers and drugged to the hilt by 15, so in that way I'm glad that my parents never involved doctors. They wanted to at first, but like a lot of OCD sufferers, once someone began to suspect there was something wrong, I became an expert at hiding it, so my parents thought I was ok. Now my mother has OCD, and I 100% think it is the fillings because she was ok before she started having major amalgams placed. It's so hurtful to see her suffering, but nothing I can do because she won't admit the problem. They sent her to hospital, sent psychiatrists, but said she just had a touch of the "blues". Never did they ask what was in her mouth. I am so disillusoned with doctors, I totally am.
I too often feel that I can't cope anymore. I just know that I have to be strong and use my God given talents in ways that I can. But it's difficult, especially as my home life is stressful with their being so much illness in the house (my sister has a lung condition and on puffers). I just try to escape into other things, and try not to think about it all. Now I know it's the mercury, I at least believe there is hope, and I do think I have had improvement since getting my root canal tooth extracted. As I've had other removals since, I have had resurgence of symptoms, but I try to be optimistc that in say 5 years time I will be more relaxed and happy.
Hang in there, I'm sure that when the poison leaves our system, there will be improvements - it will just take time.
Demi,you should pat yourself on the back for staying as sane as you are. Some in languishing in mental hospitals. Make sure you continually tell yourself it's the mercury. When you don't have this toxin, you cannot even be afraid, depressed or panicked, even if you try to, it doesn't happen (unless it's a genuine reason to be afraid). But you can't induce it or have fearful or odd thoughts. But with mercury? You fall into any trap and odd fears and symptoms.
I'mnot around people at all. my father is the only one around me and mostly I stay in my room because of my fears and behaviours and general debiliated condition.
waking up with panic attacks is what happens to me as well. I wake up in fear and heart pounding many times or I wake up in such a state of anguish, i'm in tears before i'm even fully awake. Just becoming conscious and not wanting to be alive and live another day with it all, but you have to.
It's a help to hear others gong through the same, but awful at the sametime.
