Yes, I have been there linda, and I was about the same age as you, I am assuming early 30's. I do not want to go into details but I was about 1 hour away from blowing my brains out, I had fully convinced myself of it I am not exaggerating or just saying this. I was in a horrific state.

However, instead of that happening, what did happen was I heard the Lord speak to me, heard him plain as day, and he convinced me not to do it. It was on that very day that my salvation began, Linda.

I later came to the conclusion, which again I am quite sure of and all of your arguing will not persuade me otherwise, that my suicidal thoughts were not even mine, but it was the devil or demons, evil spirits, call them what you will, battering me and harrassing me and convincing me that life was useless.

It was Jesus who made the difference in my life and I have never looked back.