sosick.. what did u do to get beta? i'm starting the epsom salt baths pretty soon.

i absolutely FREAK OUT when i wake up sometimes, i'm talking FREAKING OUT, like someone is killing me, or i'm being eaten alive by ants and can't move type of freaking out, and my dreams are vivid, repetitive, and the fear feels like a plane is about to crash into the room, its like i can see whats in my mind more than what i see with my eyes, and my head hurts like a racy, cold, electricity. compared to not being able to walk or talk for 6 months, years ago, this is by far a worst kind of suffering. i kid you not. there is not even peace in my sleep.

during the day on a bad day i will have a movie image of an event i wish i made a different decision on, and it will play for hours, so clear vivid and loud, its almost real, and i go into this virtual reality world, and i say to my mind STOP, and it keeps intruding on me and i can't. i feel i hate myself, but there is no reason, i feel guilty, ABSOLUTE REGRET, all my good memories are painful reminders of how i feel in the now.

i think anyone with fillings is in deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep sh*t if sumthing goes wrong or your allergic like me. i feel sorry for people so allergic to peanuts if they have a bit they die and stuff, i'm like that really sensitive to stuff.

if my doctor would give me morpheine i would take it regulairy, or if they would place me in an induced coma until this goes away, i would SERIOUSLY CONSIDER IT FOR MYSELF.

i cannot express in words the degree that this is affecting me, and these are only the things i can think of now. at least i can still walk is all i can say.

important question from me... does anyone else have greyer colour in the 'whites' of their eyes? what the *&&%%$ does that mean? is the mercury in my eyes!?!?!??!? they used to be really white.