Its'a nice to hear from you Demi, I was just thinking about you today and wondering how you are. I started this thread because I was interested in other people's beliefs and in some ways I'm glad I did, cos it's obviously a topic many people found interesting. Of course we had the usual Anons who don't seem to let anyone question anything without being reprimanded for it, but that's their problem. I still at the moment am keeping an open mind. As i've said earlier on the thread I would love to have a strong faith and believe. It must be such a comfort, but at the moment I just don't feel it. To be honest I think I'm pretty much still in shock from events that happened at my house last week. Apart from the illness, and I'm sure the Anons are going to give me ahard time again and say I'm whining, but something so terrible happened that I can't and I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. I know everyones going through their own pain and I don't think mine is any greater than anyone else's, but I'm not handling things well at all. I hate change in the family. Mum and dad have split after 53 years together and both are dying. My whole family has broken apart because of this. This caused me a great deal of pain, but what happened last week, shocked me and broke my heart. I won't go into detail but I have lost my son forever. I know things can never be mended and I just can't get my head around it. I remember him as my baby and child and now I don't know him at all. As i say I appreciate that many others on the forum have tragedies and painful things, I suppose it's just that I can't deal with things well at the moment. Thats why I wish I felt that faith , but for now I just can't and it's a very lonely place to be. I don't know what I'd do without my friends on here. I'm having a challenge test at the hospital tomorrow and 4 hours IV chelation. Pretty scared, but I know I've got to do something to get started. Lots of Love Tracy x