here in australia, two young girls of 16 ish suicided by hanging out in the woods together, helping each other (on their myspace site on the day of their death they wrote 'let me and steph be free', and now they are, for a while as i believe in re-incarnation, it was all over the news, their story was inspiring to me, (recovery is also inspiring) that they left at a time of their choosing in their hidden pain, and i feel if i had someone to plan and encourage it with me i probably would to, if at the least know i had the comfort of acting at any chosen time. i often think of ropes and how i would hang them and making sure to get the slipknot right and focus on the self inflicted physical pain (yes ouch, some things inthe world are not made for the body to feel comfortable when used in self harm ways. to take away focus of all other things, like just the other night. benza (easy to offend people with this topic and what i've said but.. my experience is what it is) i wouldn't have dreamed of smoking a cigarette let alone saying this stuff six months ago and smoking a pack of day. is there a word... "beyondPain" it should be one word and included in the dictionary.

i am here once again because of fear of the action of suicide, if it were easy, i am not sure if i would be writing tonight, (mustered up a slight coherence amongst the valium and melatonin)

goodnight..

currently taking zeolites, msm, dmsa, NAC, and alpha lipoic acid, not noticing feeling worse than usual, ie the lowest i ever imagined before adding the protocols one by one.

the thing that holds me here is some form of hope for the future, and in a bizarre way i am not afraid to die but am instinctually all the time. this certainly the thinking from a mercury affected person. extremely outside the bounds of what i would have said 6 months ago.

i think of myself as a desensitiser, i take steps, and see what that is like, and then think futher in advance. crazy? sure. people do the best they can with what they have.