james, I guess know how I "feel", and how I used to.. it's gonna be hard to understand for you since you're not in my shoes.

you say I read properly, but I'm never sure if I read things 'right'. the same goes for expressing yourself - I'm never sure if the words I've chosen repreent what i wanted to say, plus I'm never sure what I really want to say.

plus I'm completely blank, my affect is not spontaneous, I feel comatose. I know I was writing all these things still way back, but now, it's not even remotely comparable.

and actually, there are times, and it's like 70% of the time where I can't write things up. it's only when I can that i come here. like this post, as i'm wiriting it I got a sudden surge of vocabulary, but I know this will pass.

and my senses are all bland.

plus this MASSIVE confusion, I'm thinking one thing one day, and another thing the other.

I have no imagination, can't visualize things.

I have no feelings for my family.

CAN'T RELATE TO THER PEOPLE!!!!

etc etc

and most of the days I am quite insane, really. like yesterday, didn't care about anything, I weas "happily" living in "my world".

all of this is just too much to put into words really.