Tracy,
I'm so, so sorry for your horendous pain. I wish I could see you and talk to you just to let you know someone cares--as all of us here do. Is there just one little thing in your life that is "bright" or hopeful? If you can find one tiny thing it might be enough to hang on to - for now. Have you experienced any improvements in the course of this misery? If you have, focus on those things, realizing that this is a roller coaster ride for a long time.
Btw, God loves you no matter what-- He can't help but love you-- you are a part of Him. He always forgives because He know and understands more that we ever could. We don't have to wonder about how he will judge us. His love covers His judgement.
Stay with us. Breathe !!

Chelan