HI Tracy, I completely understand. Have been there many times. It seems the more ill and wretched I am, the more faith I lose and the angrier I get, or I stop believing altogether.

It seems the more I need my faith in those moments, I tend often to lose it instead. What's happening to you is normal and shows how much pain you really are in.

Nobody is judging you one way or the other. Survivial in this is heroic and having a family at the sametime? Is beyond something I can even imagine.