Hi Tgoss,

That second stage of suffering can take around 6 months - to a year to kick in properly. Maybe what you're getting. It happens to many people and they go into a state of shock wondering what happened. Everything floods back, sometimes even worse than it was originally.

I am sorry to hear this and believe me, I know how it feels. I am suicidal daily now and live with my father (I cannot even go out, let alone get into a relationship, I busted one up years ago because of this). So I know it's not much consolation, but at least you know you're not alone in this.

Andy Cutler talks about his in his book and recommends DMSA to help a person get through this stage. I'm not forcing on you, but it may help you. You can get it over the internet, if you want to know more, let me know. I'll leave it up to you though.

If there is one thing in this, no matter what you are suffering and what torment you are under, none of this is you and none of it is your fault, even if you think it is or you feel it is, it's not. If anything happens between you and your boyfriend, you are not to blame yourself at all. Someone who is well and functioning and is deliberately mean, maybe then, you are very ill and it is tough for any person to be around the toxic. It is a big ask and often bordering on the impossible. This is why my father is the only one that deals with me, nobody else will.

It is a lot of pressure on you to hold onto him and fight away these digusting symptoms and then have the guilt associated with it, which is not deserving at all. Just to exist with this is enough.

The way I treat my father is terrible when I'm this way and right now, I'm getting no relief, so I now shut myself in my room. If he comes in, I get mad automatically and fearful for no reason. If he says somethign, I barely answer, or I jump down his throat. I feel awful, I hate myself for it, but it's like something in me is driving me almost insane. If he says something I'll take it personally and then I'll accuse him of having a joke at my expense or putting me down and he just stares at me like "what the?". The only reason he sticks around is because he's my dad. I'd be on my own otherwise, in a mental hospital or under the ground.

Sorry for the negative reply here, but just want you to know you're not alone and i know it's just some type on a screen, but we are with you. I hope your boyfriend can somehow hold on, even if yu guys need your space. He needs to know the nature of this and needs to know it is not you at all. Not his fault, and sure the heck aint yours either.